Monthly Archives: January 2015
Do you ever get that feeling?
That feeling of despair…nothingness, hollowness?
When not even your favorite song can’t get your spirits up?
When your emotional clouds are blocking out the sunshine?
When life seems to be exceedingly cruel at you all of a sudden?
I don’t know who gets to decide people’s fates…but whoever it is needs a reminder that i am getting impatient for my slice of heaven. I feel I’ve had my fair share of troubles. I’ve gone through enough pits of hell. Danced with disappointment far too long i am getting familiar with the hollowness of it all.
And I am getting tired of this long wait.Tired of being me. Tired of my memories. Tired of the future. Tired of smiling every time and saying it’s gonna be okay. Tired of having to act strong. Tired of waiting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I can’t say i sit around and wait for things to happen in my life..i go out and make them happen. But really, for once in my life…the urge to give up is almost overcoming my desire to live.
Because what is life..if music sounds like noise,if coffee tastes like mud, if apples taste bland, if a baby’s laughter cannot make you smile?
This must be how it feels to be on the brink. Sad. Hollow. Drowning in despair and desolation.
I am hanging by a thread…on the edge of impending doom
I still remember her. She had the kind of laugh that pulls you into her orbit. And she loved to laugh. Endlessly. You’d rarely find her sad. I guess that’s what drew me to her.
She was small-boned. And short. Light-skinned too. She had a wildness to her that made her so unique. I liked her untamed spirit to no end.
The first time we met…we were in campus, looking for accommodation. We struck up a conversation out of nowhere , exchanged numbers and parted ways.Her bright smile stuck to my mind.
Later on , i learned that we shared a room. Huddled together with a bunch of other strangers. It was delightful to have a familiar face.
She liked watching movies, going out for drinks, listening to loud music, laughing and cooking…in short we enjoyed doing the same things.
She was a year ahead of me. But she never made me feel inferior. She was one of those people you just met and liked.
We’d go out for drinks in the campus local joint with a bunch of her friends. Like i said, she was easy to love so she had a bunch of friends. Warm people. A couple of guys and some girls.
We’d drink and dance late into the night. Especially before classes resumed. The other roommates always gave us weird looks.
One was a church-goer. One of those pretentious , self-righteous stuck-up bitches. She always clutched her Bible to the chest whenever she saw us. As you can guess, there was no love lost between us.
The other was the private kind…she went to bed in her jeans and always seemed self-conscious about her body. She did her laundry in the room. It was both odd and disgusting especially since she only rinsed them once.
The rest…well, they were random people.
We got closer over time. What with the routine. Classes, cooking,movies, bar…
So when it finally happened, it was both surprising yet in hindsight, a part of us had seen it coming.
I will always remember the feel of her lips on mine, the trail of her hands on my body…the surge of heat and desire when her nipples brushed against my skin.
We made love with reckless abandon. She actually did all the work since i was inexperienced.Finally, when my legs were shaking and my breath erratic, she kissed my lips one last time and we slept clung to each other.
Later on, she told me, with a sly smile, that it was her first time too.
I still remember her taste.
It’s his eyes. The way they light up when he laughs. The way they shine when he is excitedly explaining his work. The way they grow wide when he is listening to something he likes. The way they are keen when you talk to him. He has big, round beautiful eyes that draw you into their endless pool.
Or it could be his smile. He has a wide smile….one of those spin-me-around-kiss-me-forever type of smiles…at times its wicked. Loaded with meaning. Then i look away. Because i don’t want to exploit the possibilities just yet
It’s his passion. Heated. Fiery. Contagious. Rubbing off on me so easily. Its hard not to be taken in and enthralled by it. When he explains the mundane, every-day life occurrence…it sounds exotic and interesting. Then i am just listening, contributing, staring…thinking…i could listen to him forever and never get bored.
Perhaps its his voice. silky. I hang onto each word he says.How can I describe his voice?It’s a smooth baritone. Clear and calm.Enchanting. Intoxicating yet reasonable. Warm and gracious. Low and deeply rich.
And when he calls my name with that voice…i know an angel roams this earth.
He makes the ordinary, extraordinary.
I am a sucker for adrenaline.Living on the edge.Pushing myself to the limit.
Picture a jaguar. Red to be precise. Picture a stunning woman behind the wheel. Jet-black curly hair, fuck-me boots, red lipstick, laughing eyes …you get the picture. Now picture her driving angry. Driving hard. Music blaring. Wind-whipped hair, ray bans on,with a Mona Lisa smile and a Devil-may-care attitude. If that doesn’t turn you on, you need help.
She drove a yellow jaguar. Weaving in and out of traffic so smoothly. Eyes following her. She was mesmerizing, you see. What with her soft smile , teased hair and dreamy baby-blues.
I can’t quite describe the cock-tail of emotions that sight arouse in me. I just remember thinking, if i am to die…i will die driving a red jaguar at full-speed.
She reminded me so much of Lana Del Rey . There’s something about a woman with a smoky voice, beautiful eyes and sensual grace singing out her heart.
Maybe its just me…But i got a burning desire
i was looking through my e-mail. this post from way back reminded me of her…
aching for a piece of you
i consume you yet can’t get enough
you set me ablaze with desire
i want to ravish you
kiss your lips swollen
get your nipples puckered
get your eyes glazed
my touch ignites a gasp from you
my scent has your back arched
my voice has your eyes pleading
begging for more of me
you turn me on in ways i can’t describe
i try to control my lust but fail
my body is wound up with want
my legs turn jelly from your look
you have me enthralled
seduced beyond logic
aroused to the brink of ecstasy
your feather-light touches
are tantalizingly erotic
your scent is like coffee in the morning
your smile drives me over the edge
I know disappointment. The hollow feeling that wont go away.The ugly aftertaste in your mouth that wont be brushed away.
I have danced with disappointment. Albeit too many times than is required. I have tangoed with fear. Felt the trail of its ice-cold fingers creeping up my spine. Frozen at the thought of what comes next.
I know disappointment. That punch in the gut when the thing you wanted so much doesn’t go as planned. Just when the pieces of the puzzle look like they are falling together, then you find that the most important piece is missing.
I know disappointment. I have slept with it. Laughed with it. Fondled it . recycled it over and over for maximum effect.
Yet when it comes, i am always never ready for it.
I know disappointment