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Summertime Sadness

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It was all smoke and mirrors!! It was all a game to him, you are yelling. Everyone is staring at us as we try to pick the perfect bottle of whiskey for the occasion. You never know what’s the perfect drink to cure a broken heart though. So hold a second as we pile different flavors into the cart.

 

Watch me forget his name. Watch me erase all memory of him, you scream as the alcohol limits slowly play a game of who’s stronger with your blood. The fact that we’ve had nothing to eat does nothing to help this unfair competition. So i pour the whiskey and you rant. I smoke and you rant some more.  I start drinking the moment you start breaking down and hold you as racking sobs have your body shaking. I can’t watch you like this sober. It is not fair to either of us.

 

It is like watching a child cut himself crawling on broken glass. It hurts me more than it hurts you. You delete the beautiful pictures of you and him on the phone. They are so many you give up after you realize that your hands are too tired and the light is hurting your eyes so you drop the phone into the glass of whiskey. You seem to have come to terms with the reality of the situation so you start smoking, the tears caked up on your face making you look so vulnerable.

 

I am still holding you and your head is cradled on my shoulder. We are seated on the balcony. It is a Friday night. Life is going on as usual. Most of the neighbors are asleep. The stars look so bright it almost sounds unfair that such a beautiful night could habor such a dark moment to you.

 

You go over the details leading up to the moment and we analyze it till we decide to give it the middle finger. Surely there’s more to life than moping around. So we go online and book a holiday for the weekend. This was supposed to be your wedding night after all.

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Posted by on March 31, 2017 in Muse, Uncategorized, Writing

 

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Ice

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I don’t know where you go when you disappear

I don’t know what to do to bring you back

When you shut the world away

And bang the door on my face

 

You’re an emotional roller-coaster

The ups and downs all too familiar

I don’t know if I have the strength

Or the courage to take this ride

 

You are an open book

Written in braille

And I’m sorry I was never good

At deciphering ciphers

 

I try my best to be close

But when that ice-cube in your heart

Turns you cold

I realize I’m not ready to freeze

 

Your walls have been hard to climb

But somehow I got to the top

And just when I thought i was over the ledge

I found yet another layer

 

Why don’t you let me know

If this ride is worth my time?

If I should study braille

Or just shut this book and walk away?

 

Why don’t you let me know

If the ice in your veins

Will thaw into love

Hypothermia is real,luv

 
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Posted by on March 31, 2017 in Muse, Poetry, Uncategorized

 

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Saudade

It’s a few minutes to midnight. I’ve been going through Tim Dowling’s writing for the best part of the night now. I’ve decided I like his writing style. He makes it look so easy and my life sounds so mundane and dull compared to his.

I’ve been shuffling my playlist looking for something to get me in the mood. I tried Chet Faker, that’s my go-to playlist when I want to be in the mood to write, then tried Tom Odell and am now listening to Saudade, which literally means Longing, as though I understand a word of Portuguese. The band pelts a great tune, the kind that allows you to get lost in the music and be nostalgic of a moment you are yet to live. The kind that makes you believe that life has a lot more to offer to you specifically. The kind that makes you wistful for things you don’t know.

And I am living a moment I have lived before, a moment I’m living and moments that are surreal to me. And I don’t want to leave this moment just yet.Am clinging to a memory that’s shattering me to pieces. Am hanging on to a pain that I needed to feel but numbed it before. Am walking a fine line between nostalgia and wanderlust.

.And I don’t want to leave this moment just yet. Am clinging to a memory that’s shattering me to pieces. Am hanging on to a pain that I needed to feel but numbed it before. Am walking a fine line between nostalgia and wanderlust.

I need to shrug off this dark cloud yet for some reason it’s comfortable walking these paths. Memory lane feels familiar. This boulevard of broken dreams is crowded but feels comfortable. There is a certain intimacy I have with my shattered dreams. The kind that is perverted yet puts a smile on your face. The kind of smile one gets from knowing that there’s nothing much to be done in some situations. The kind of smile a dying mother puts on for her child knowing fully well that she can’t do shit for them yet has to be strong to her last breathe because that’s what mothers do for their spawn, even the ungrateful and spiteful ones, they all deserve a mother’s love.

And you are a mean bastard when you are drunk. Hurling angry and hurtful words. And she is clinging to the baby. Because it’s the only beautiful thing that reminds her of you. And the baby is staring at her with scared eyes sucking it’s thumb. She is sobbing softly. Her tears falling on the baby’s face. He is screaming now. They are both driving you crazy. You bang the door loudly and drive off in rage.

Why doesn’t she get it? You lover her. You love them both dearly.

You don’t see the oncoming car. You are pounding your fists on the steering wheel cursing and mumbling under your breath. The blinding headlights jolt you out of your drunk stupor a bit too late and the only thing you think before the collision is that you don’t even know the color of her eyes after being together for  10 years. When was the last time you held her?

 
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Posted by on March 18, 2017 in Uncategorized, Writing

 

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Pandora’s Box

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I’m feeling particularly jaded
Blase if you may
Bored to explain it better
Totally out of my element

I’m feeling apathetic
Unmoved by the extraordinary
Numbed by the ordinary
Suffocated by life

Today coffee tastes like mud
Music sounds like noise
Laughter jars my nerves
A bright smile blinds my eyesight

Today a simple hello enrages me
My moods took a trip south
Serving me a cocktail of catastrophic emotions
I simply can’t handle

Today chirpy faces make me stabby
Well-meaning hellos turn my eyes into slits
Don’t give me that look
I don’t get who i am today either

Days like this i want to take a walk
Down memory lane
Unpack the shitload of package i got
Inspect them for wear and tear

Days like this my demons knock incessantly
And my head is unlivable
Because the past floods in
And nothing can shut this Pandora’s box

Days like this i know the devil is smiling
Having brought me to my knees
Watching me stumble and fumble
To put the demons back in

Days like this i want to leave
To take a long walk nowhere
Never looking back
A journey to no-where land

Days like this I’d gladly swap my life with a total stranger

 
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Posted by on March 9, 2015 in Uncategorized, Writing

 

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